Showing posts with label Diary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Diary. Show all posts

3/23/2012

In Remembrance (Diary)

Six Months has pass since my stepfather died in a terrible car accident...

Days before my stepfather pass away I had a weird dream. In this dream I saw myself passing by the highway then I saw an accident and stopped. I step out of my car and looked I saw a woman hurt inside her car and the rest of the people looking down the hill for something or someone. Then I looked down the hill and saw a car and someone was next to the car but I saw his clothes but could not see the his face.

One day pass…

And then I rented a move called “What dreams may come” by Robin Williams. It talks about an accident he had and he step out of the car and got killed. He left his wife alone and she ended up taking her life. Earlier in the movie they lost their two kids in a car accident. The husband after he pass away woke up in heaven and needed to get to hell to save his wife.

The same day I was looking at youtube in the internet and found a video that a mother did to honor her daughter who was killed in a traffic accident in a highway. She was run over by a truck in the highway she was only 21 yrs old.

After that I kept searching and found a video from “Tercer Cielo – Third Heaven” and it was called “Yo te extrañaré – I will miss you” and saw it and cried without any reason at all.

The next day I called my mom and as usual we started talking and I told her about a worried I had regarding my car and told her that I could have an accident if the part that was damaged in my car felt away.

Out of nowhere she said: “I see it coming”

All of the sudden she received a call and she said to me: “I call you right back, someone is calling me” and then I said: “Call me back ,ok?” She called back and said: “Wilfredo (her husband and my stepfather) had a bad accident and he is at the emergency room. His sister just called me and I need to go with them right now.” I said: “Ok but call me back”

She hang up the phone and went to the hospital then she called me from there and said: “Wilfredo is in a really bad condition. He broke his ribs, his artery is split in half, and a lot of contusion from the fall.” I said but what happen?” She said: “Apparently he was driving and something happen that he press the gas and the car was going really fast and hit two cars and then when down the hill. He jumped out of the car and he is really injured by the fall. The doctor told me to be ready because he probably won’t make it.”

Then the nurse called her again and she said: “I need to leave now. I have to see Wilfredo.”

I went to sleep that night thinking about my mom and my step father.

I was sleeping all of the sudden I heard a voice really close to my ear and said to me: “It is done, He has died”

I suddenly woke up and scream “Mami oh no Mami” after I said this the phone rang and I answered. It was my mom crying and she said: “Wilfredo pass away at 4:20am. He is dead”

I was in shock and didn’t know what to do should I cry or scream or encourage my mother. And I asked God to give me the words to speak to my mom at that crucial moment.

I said to her: “Right now, I now this is really hard for you but you need to be strong knowing that Jesus is there with you holding you and comforting you. God said He will never leave you, He is there with you at this very moment.”

She hangs up the phone… I knew that she was not okay.

The I called my brother in Puerto Rico and talked to him and started crying and I said “Please take care of my mom because I know she is not okay right now. I am worried about her.”

I called my sister and spoke to my niece and told her. She spoke to my nephew which always called my stepfather “Papa” they were really close but because stuff happen he could not be with him and want it to see him last holidays but could not for his probation. He started screaming and crying saying: “No, No my PAPA No” it was so hard that day for all of us.

Well, my mom and stepfather live together for 37 years. He took me under his care since I was six mos. Old.

After his funeral which I could not be there because I had some financial difficulties. I asked God: “I will like to know where Wilfredo is right now, Lord?”

And this is what God reply to me using a preacher, “When someone died you don’t ask where they went because they already belongs to me”

And you know what the best thing about all of this is that my stepfather accepted the Lord and was baptized a year before he passed away.

I did this video in his memory. The music is taken out of Jibara music from Puerto Rico. I was trying to record a music CD for him but could not get to him on time. All the music in the CD is in this video.


1/25/2011

Humble before God

I myself have been battling with being humble. See when I was growing up I was raised by my mom I was the little one of five children. So, in my country to humble yourself is to let people humiliate you to the point of treating you as invisible.

Definition of HUMBLE

•To bring low; to reduce the power, independence, or exaltation of; to lower; to abase; to humiliate; To make humble or lowly in mind; to abase the pride or arrogance of; to reduce the self-sufficiency of; to make meek and submissive; -- often used reflexively; Near the ground; not high or lofty ...

But when I became part of the family of God, I’ve been trying to let that go and let people help me. Because it was so hard to let others help me just because I was part of a Church. And sometimes it’s really hard when a person grows up taking charge of everything. A lot had to do with not letting anyone see how humble (in need or desperate) you might be in need of someone else. It’s because maybe been independent make people that way.

It is like me now, telling the entire world “hey, I am imperfect and there is something quite not right with me” but I am confessing in this blog and that makes me humble because I am recognizing “yeah, there is something wrong” but at the same time trying hard to change it. And another thing not on my own; but counting with God's grace and mercy to change me whatever I am lacking.

Something like this… “I have to present myself strong in front of others because I suppose to be the strongest one here!”

Especially in when one is a parent and have Children. You don’t want them to see you that suffering or have them worried. Or maybe present yourself strong to that member of the family who always is telling you that you will never make it. Or that friend that everything you do they copied and succeed with it just to let you know that you are a failure.

And that’s what we have to deal with…

In the Word some of the verses that really stand out about pride 1. Do not think highly of yourselves as you ought
2. God will exalt the humble in due time

Have you been in Church and all of the sudden the preacher make the altar call?

“If anyone needs to repent or to forgive anyone without thinking about it come to the front and let us pray for you” and now comes a sense of guilt and now the heart feels convicted. It is hard to show are problems or otherwise, we will be judged and rejected.

Well, that’s what happen sometimes, either to ask for help, for prayer and sometimes it is hard to confess anything about what a person is going through because it is hard that others might see a “weak link” instead of a stronger one.

Some words that I have heard over the years,
SURRENDER ALL…
FORGIVE TO BE FORGIVEN…
ALL THINGS ARE NEW…
LET GO AND LET GOD…
GOD IS IN CONTROL…

Pride had to do with
1. Thoughts
2. Feelings
3. Trust

Whatever thoughts are feelings and can’t let anyone in because there is fear to be let down again that's where trust comes to play.

It is like a wall so no one or nothing can hurt again.

But the weird thing about it is that past and present hurts and discouragements and disappointments make a person even stronger.

Verses related to pride

The LORD sends poverty and wealth; he humbles and he exalts (1 Samuel 2:7)

When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom (Proverbs 11:2)

Remember how the LORD your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands.

What is to be humble to God?

To bring low (pride), to bow down (in reverence), to submit (to let go).

Have you seen a kid fighting for a toy "this is mine, this is mine" and when they see their parents and they told them to let go sometimes they don't have another choice but to let go?

God is an authority figure and must of the time the way we were bringing up was not the right one. Some grow without a father or have a really bad memory about their early father and for that kind of people is harder to submit because we think God will turn out to be like our earthly father figure.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. (1 Peter 5:6).

Be blessed,

By Carmen Pilar Rosario